When Being Strong Gets Heavy

[Listen to an audio version of this blog here.]

I’m so tired, I thought to myself. Tired of fighting my demons, tired of pushing my mental and physical limits, tired of absorbing the emotions of others, tired of taking care of all the annoying adult shit that needs to be taken care of. I felt spread thin, like a bear ready for a long hibernation that just hasn’t found a spot to rest.

Taking care of ourselves can be hard. Sometimes, life just feels like a constant struggle, which is exactly how it should be. But we all have our breaking points, and I’m just tired. I’ve been struggling against something for a long time. I fought my eating disorder for a decade, then struggled with the ramifications of a broken body, tattered self-worth, and an unhealthy and unsafe relationship. Then I had to struggle to survive, to find a way to make enough money not only to live but to pay for things like flat tires and root canals and flights and insurance. I struggled to understand the world of corporate America: a world that on most levels seems diametrically opposed to who I am. I’ve struggled to figure out where I want to live, who I want to be, who I want to be around. I’ve struggled to build a stronger body and a stronger mind. And for all the consistency I’ve found in this blog, I’ve more often than not, struggled to write.