Relationships & Attachments

[Listen to an audio version of this blog here.]

According to Attachment Theory, there are four types of emotional bonds people form: secure, avoidant, anxious, and anxious-avoidant. (Read more about Attachment Styles here.)

Since beginning therapy over 5 years ago, I have traveled up and down the halls of attachment styles, read books, talked at length with therapists #3 and #4, and tried very hard to convert myself from an anxious-avoidant person to a secure one. This is easier said that done though, and my attraction to avoidant people is strong. It is rooted in a desire to be close, but not too close. To win a love that is unobtainable, and I know that, yet I keep running into it headfirst. Because I am both anxious and avoidant, I grow anxious around avoidant folks but avoidant around anxious folks. Neediness is a turn-off, “I’m not here to solve your problems,” I think, before turning to an avoidant man, wanting him to solve my problems. Our brains can really fuck us up, can’t they?

Therapist #4 asked me one day if I love myself. I answered, “Yes. What kind of question is that?”

“Good,” he said. He seemed to believe me. “Then all you need to do is prioritize yourself over any random dude who decides he wants to try to date you. And if you can,” he peered at me over the rim of his round glasses, “take things very…