Old Man Dick

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That title grabbed your attention, huh?

One huge perk of living in California is the weather. And that, is the most obvious sentence I’ve ever written. The coldest it has been since the great migration (ie, my move to California from Chicago) has been a cool 50 degrees. Obviously, when the weather is so monstrously cold, the only reasonable late-night activity is taking a dip in my apartment complex’s exceedingly hot, hot tub.

One evening, I poured a generous dose of pinot noir into an insulated tumbler and headed to the hot tub with the intention of turning my skin into a prune. Except, there was someone else in the hot tub. Someone I had ever seen before: an old gentleman with a long face and sunglasses resting on top of his brow, even though it was 8 p.m. and therefore quite dark. He nodded his shiny bald head as I stepped into the bubbling-chlorine-piss water. He was reading a book so I didn’t say anything, and neither did he. We sat for a while, not saying anything, and I let myself halfway relax.

I quickly became all-the-way-not-relaxed though, as soon as old-man-wearing-sunglasses stood up, revealing a soggy ball sack and a droopy penis. I hope you, dear reader, never have to face the horror that is an old man’s boiled genitalia. My eyes will never be the same.