Mental Illness Is Not “Just A Feeling”

Someone actually said this to me as I attempted to describe what it was like to live with an eating disorder. “It sounds like it’s just a feeling,” he said. Of course he was unable to understand what I was saying, even though he asked, and was curious, and was genuinely trying to understand. It is difficult to understand anyone fully and completely, and I found myself struggling to describe what exactly an eating disorder feels like.

“The best way I can explain it,” I said, “is that the world shrinks so much that all I can think about is my body and hating it, or food and avoiding it. I can’t control it either, it just happens. It’s paralyzing.”

“Does it get worse when you’re alone?” he asked.

Sometimes, yes but usually no. Yes now, because I’m isolated without wanting to be. Normally, isolation is self-imposed and calming. It’s a choice, and choice grants us the illusion of control. Being alone now isn’t unique to me though: we’re all living in an isolated, worldwide pandemic. Anxieties are high which means sometimes I worry too much about things I cannot control which means my brain focuses on the one thing I have been historically able to control which happens to be my body, and which happens to also be a lie. As one of my therapists likes to say, our bodies are smarter than we give them credit for.