Halloween and Eating Disorders

[Listen to an audio version of this blog here.]

“What are you going to be for Halloween?” my friend asked me.

“Gone,” I replied. “I’ll be in Mexico, remember?”

Some people, like my friend, adore Halloween. The dressing up and going out. The parties and candy and elaborate drinks. Halloween hasn’t captured my attention since I was the height of a white picket fence. One year, I dressed as a doctor in a little uniform my mother sewed for me. More than once, I dressed as a witch. As an adult, I’ve attended many Halloween parties dressed as nothing. Tis the damn season, as Taylor Swift said.

Growing up, my favorite Halloween candies were the ones that dentists dislike most: chewy caramel, dots, tootsie rolls, licorice. Because my disordered relationship with food began very young, I understood that candy was unhealthy, but because I was a child, candy was endlessly alluring. The bright colors and intense sweetness were mysterious and addicting. And the more I enjoyed a food, the more I knew that it was bad for me, which made candy both illicit and inviting. I’d fluctuate between throwing out my candy to eating enough to give myself a stomachache. These fluctuating attitudes were rooted in a desire for control. Food, and in this case candy, felt relatively easy to control, especially around a holiday like Halloween that…