Emotional Incest

[Listen to an audio version of this blog here.]

I feel the need to preface this blog with a disclaimer: emotional incest (also called covert incest) does not involve sexual behavior or abuse. I should also note that I did not experience this firsthand, but like you, I know people who have.

Emotional incest occurs when unhealthy emotional interaction blur the boundaries between a parent and a child in a way that is psychologically damaging and inappropriate. The most common version of this is when a parent looks to their child for emotional support or treats them more like a partner than a child.

The term “emotional incest” was coined by Kenneth Adams, Ph.D. to label the state of cross-generational bonding within a family, whereby a child (normally of the opposite sex) becomes a surrogate spouse for their mother or father. “Emotional Enmeshment” is another term often used. And the term “emotional parentification” describes a similar concept; the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent. In an emotionally incestuous relationship, instead of the parent meeting the needs of the child, the child is meeting the needs of the parent.

Emotional incest typically occurs when a marriage unravels or when there is a broken family dynamic (ie substance abuse, infidelity, mental illness). One or both…