Changing Your Relationship With Your Body

[Listen to an audio version of this blog here.]

“You’re in such great shape,” one of my friends said the other day. I was telling him about the race I recently signed up for, a 100 mile run in central Washington. The race promises grueling climbs, hot, exposed sections, and stunning vistas of…granite. I took a moment to let his words sink in. I’ve been training so hard I haven’t even thought about how much my fitness has improved. More importantly though, it isn’t something that really matters. In 2014, I had surgery for a labral tear in my right hip. My coaches, athletic trainers, and physical therapists all echoed the same sentiment: I would never be the same again. The surgery was arthroscopic and not that invasive. I hated what they said, but a part of me believed them. At the same time that I was recovering from my surgery, I was also spiraling deep into an eating disorder. My body shrank, and I loved it. I loved buying smaller clothes and loved that my muscular thighs shrunk from months of disuse. My body dysmorphia was strong, and even at my lightest weight, I was convinced that I had more to lose.

My sick mind loved being small but hated being weak, and weak was exactly how I felt, all of the time. My brain was foggy, my body always fatigued. Life wasn’t enjoyable or fun. All I thought about was food and getting smaller and how everything…