Adventures in Nexplanon (or, the Cost of Being a Woman)

*Women’s Rights are Human Rights

According to the always-reliable Google, there are roughly 15 different types of birth control us women can ingest/insert in order to not have a baby-child. How lucky are we, to have so many options?

Because my memory is shit, and because life is unpredictable, my birth control of choice is Nexplanon, a handy little birth control bar-thing that my gynecologist inserted into my upper left arm. No pills. No remembering to take the pills. Nothing shoved very far up my vagina. Nexplanon lasts three years, so it was the ultimate anti-commitment. And with a 99% success rate, I felt confident that my sexual exploits would not result in the aforementioned unwanted baby-child.

I had the bar implanted roughly 18 months ago, and it. has. been. a. trip. The day after it was inserted (haha, sex joke!), I bled for three weeks straight. I was a monster. No amount of chocolate could quench my raging thirst. I vowed, two days before my period stopped, that I would take the bar out myself if the flow did not decrease. Having the bar removed may have been an easier decision had I not paid $1,800 to have it implanted, broken up into 6 easy payments because we can’t all be rich enough to not have babies.

Nexplanon comes with a handy list of all its potential side effects. Fun stuff like: infection, scarring, weight…