A Timeline of My Eating Disorder

National Eating Disorders Awareness week just ended (February 24-March 3). In celebration, I’m re-publishing this essay that I originally wrote more than five years ago. If you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, you cand find help and resources here.

I am 9 years old, sitting in my fourth-grade spelling class. Despite my advanced reading ability, I am a sub-par speller, and studying at a third-grade level. In preparation for an upcoming test, the teacher has positioned the students in a circle, and we’re going around the room spelling words she assigns us out loud. When my turn comes, the teacher says, “chubby.” “Chubby” I say, “c-h-u-b-b-y.” As soon as I finish spelling the word, a boy next to me whispers audibly, “Yeah you are!” My heart feels too big, my face too hot. No one has every bullied me before. The same boy taunts me for the rest of the school year, and for the first time, I wonder what it means to be fat.

I am 11, sitting around the dinner table with my family — my mom, dad, and older brother. We are eating corned beef hot dish, a meal I despise. I hold my nose and swallow whatever the “correct” amount of corned beef is. Then, because I was good and had cleaned my plate, I would get dessert: chocolate zucchini cake — a moist, decadent concoction that I looked forward to all summer. As I served myself a large slice, my dad…